Royal Creepiness

It seems in the announcement of Prince William's marriage (9.5 hours or less), everyone has forgotten about the scandal of his pop and stepmom's years-long affair. No worries Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall (and technically Princess of Wales), I still remember.

Here's some creepy Camilla facts I want to alert Kate to before the big day, via Wikipedia:
Camilla Parker-Bowes:
Through her mother she is a descendant of Zacharie Cloutier.^[44] This same lineage makes Camilla a distant relation of Celine Dion, Hillary Clinton and Madonna.^[45]

Wow! I could see the relation to Hillary (in looks) and to Celine (Canada is still technically a part of England), but Madonna??? I thought she was faux-British.

And she comes from a long line of royal mistresses? Coincidence or genetics? My vote is on genetics.

Apparently There's a Wedding Tomorrow...

In England (and worldwide) there are dozens of ladies openly weeping that Prince William is now off the market.

My question is: really ladies? Let's consider our options.

This one is getting married:

This one is still available (yes Chelsy Davy, I refuse to acknowledge your existence...)

Yep. No complaints here.

Exception: Kate Middleton, I want your perfect bouncy hair and collection of adorable hats.

Musings...

Today was a good day.

I won an ipod nano.

I won $100 dollars.

I hoped to make it 3 for 3 and meet a rich Greek tycoon with a beach-front villa on the Mediterranean.

Well, we can't always win.
But you sure as fuck can try.

Age Does Indeed Ruin Relationships

Happened to come across two vaguely related articles about age today, one relating to older dudes scamming on younger girls (NOT A FAN- CRADLE ROBBERS BEWARE) and the idea of having a financial age (I'm gonna go with 14 for me). Thoughts? How do these topics wrek havoc on relationships (or lack thereof?)

Why do dudes go after younger women (instead of appreciating women on their level?) MarieClaire's Rich says:
Younger Women Seem Happier
I Feel Smart
Girls Grow Up Faster Than Boys
I Know It Won't Work Out
It's Sick and Twisted, but Guys Like Innocence

My response- grow up and grow a pair!
Read more: Dating Younger Women - Why Men Like Younger Women - Marie Claire

As for finances, we're strangely looping back to the topic above. Dudes ofter have slower (read socially retarded) view of money and finance (unless they're bankers or accountants or something). It seems that buying that new 50 inch TV or PS3 or giant comfy LAZY Boy chair is more appealing than starting a savings account.... this is something I will never understand, and I totally accept it. I'm not saying I'm 40 and totally a financial stick in the mud, but I feel that in my early 20s I have a good reel on my financial responsibility. I can spend money going out with friends, buying some new clothes, paying my bills, incidentals (WISDOM TEETH REMOVAL- yes, I love not having dental insurance!), and not be flat out broke (saving money).

So I'm going to raise my previous view of my financial age (14) to 18. I feel I have the solid view of a college freshman. 20-Nothing Jessie brings up another topic in her blog post (can you date outside of your professional (and monetary) progress for long? I'm not sure quite honestly. Nobody wants to date someone with no motivation who's always scrounging for change while you're trying to save up to take a vacation (AKA you are the 'Independent Woman' Destiny's Child was calling out to. Throw your hands up at me)!

Maybe this is why 20-somethings are so discontented. There isn't a level playing field yet. Maybe this is why dudes go after younger girls- they're intimidated by a woman with a job and a hope for professional advancement because their role of provider is gone (and they're too young to resign to being trophy husbands or stay at home dads). It still sucks, and its lonely on the rise up the ladder.

Just a thought.

I Have NTS

It's true.

I have developed neurotic text syndrome (NTS)

Pathogenesis: This disease lies dorment in shy, neurotic, socially awkward, homely girls who have difficulty dating. When posed with the reality of being interested in a guy, or encountering male of interest, or hooking up with a friend and not establishing what they are the morning after, she becomes completely incapacitated in his presence. Convinced that he could never possibly be interested in her, she becomes incapable of being in said male's presence and acting like a normal human being. At first, she can maintain contact via e-mail/text/letter/phone. However, as the diseases progresses, she finds herself unable to contact without deep amounts of thoughts. Further, once receiving a response, she is incapable of looking at said response for fear of rejection/loathing/mocking.

How To Diagnose:

1. debate texting male of interest

2. spend twenty minutes composing text to male of interest

3. finally text male of interest

4. receive text back from male of interest

5. refuse to look at text

Cures: alcohol

Related Diseases:

NLS (neurotic letter syndrome, original syndrome, mostly eradicated except in thrid world countries due to technology)

NEMS (neurotic e-mail syndrome)

NGAVARTLS (neurotic get a voicemail and refuse to listen syndrome)

AHWMWRLTATBYS (ahhh he's walking my way run like there's a tornado behind you syndrome)

God I hate how fucking pathetic this guy has me acting.

Remember ladies: ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS establish what you are post-hookup. Fo. Sho.

Celebrities/Hollywood and Relationships

So a lot's buzzing in Hollywood about relationships. Here's the facts, and my thoughts.

1. Tori Spelling is pregnant with third child.
*Pardon the horrible pink writing on hot pink background on the linked site. This is coming from a pink lover.
Ah, the reason she and dean are doing another horrible reality show is finally revealed.

2. The Frisky Poll About Romantic gestures
As of midnight tonight, a surprise weekend in Tahiti is winning, but there's a strong margin for my vote- classic John Cusack style boombox-over the head a la "Say Anything." I'd also consider {Penn Bagley's cheesy 80's movie homage that ends Easy A (Breakfast Club theme, ipod speakers over the head from SA, and a lawn mower from Patrick Dempsey's "Can't Buy Me Love") And my friends are all in agreement. We made our own paper boom boxes after watching SA. Dudes included.

3. Celebrity exes that are still good friends
A Jonas dated Miley? Where have I been?
Sounds like Liz Hurley's put it best.
Is anyone creepoed out by the whole Bruse/Ashton/Demi and assorted teens with weird names (Tallaulah? Scout? Rumer?) trying to break into acting and vacationing together. Boundaries?
Well when you have nannies and private jets, anything is possible.
Avril and Derek are friends, and he produced her record, but didn't she write all her songs about him?
In summation- how much if this is healthy?

4. Alice Roosevelt's Motto for life- hating together
It seems like shared dislikes bring people together. Truth. And rock on, Alice. (She was quite the scandalous lady of her time.)

Does Age Difference Ruin Relationships?

My thought- yes.

Take this poll. Guess which way I voted. I also think Sean Penn dating ScarJo is kinda gross, like Calista and Harrison.

Thoughts About Other People's Thoughts About Relationships

Nothing like McDreamy lamenting about his love for ferry boats to make me hope there might be a happy ending out there. Oh, Meredith just made a voiceover speech about lines, and how we shpuld have them and they shouldn't be crossed, then she tounged mcDreamy in the elevator. I can't honstly blame her, but she does have a point. Lines are good, and yes they sometimes isolate us, but if we don't know they're there, are we at fault for crossing them?

But nonetheless, through my own relationship pain- which is still too fresh to talk about, its fun to analyze other people's takes on relationships between ladies and dudes. Marie Claire blogger Rich just wrote a post about how he has a cadre of girl friends. Notice the space between the two words. we have girl, followed by friend, but not related to it. There is an intentional space that makes all the difference. It keeps feelings out, it keeps people in, and sometimes against their rational judgment. Ok, this may be colored a bit with my recent feelings. He lists the way his friends, his "editors" help him choose clothes, talk to (or talk like a coherent person) to girls, etc...

Now while all girls have this crucial support system to analyze guys (because if we didn't, we would have even less of a clue what they're talking about), I'm not sure it works when one of the people is a dude. First of all, it is a warning sign to a girl when she meets a dude with too many lady friends. Oftentimes, these friendship lines are blurry and there's always going to be jealousy. And if you're constantly managing what a dude says, and how he dresses, and he hasn't run screaming into the hills, you are involved in a relationship (albeit a possibly unhealthy one).

And although more evidence seems to suggest to me that men and women cannot be friends (see When Harry Met Sally). Why? Because if a dude can tolerate having coffee with you, listening to you complain about your boss, and makes fun of your horrible bowling game, and he doesn't want to date you but he still talks to you, you have a ticking time bomb.

So I also enjoyed readying the 20 Nothings take on dating by drinking style, or rather, drinking styles that doom relationships. In Jessie's take, many drinking styles will end a relationship. Perhaps she's got a point. Drinking plays a huge part in 20-something relationships. I recently had a friend that was going on a first date with a non drinker. she wsn't sure where tbhey would start. the date wnt fine, but he never called her again. In my opinion, a first date is an optimal time to have a drink to get past those "soo do you ... (insert random topic) questions."

This episode (episode 2) of Greys is coming to an end. Meredith agreed to let George and Izzy move in (breaking down her barriers), but she refuses to cross the line with McDreamy (for a few more episodes, at least). If only things were that simple.

Not A Shelf Girl!

I discovered a timely blog piece from a few years ago when I needed it most. A lovely girl called MatchDotWrong got radio silenced by a guy she liked, who was being cagey. She called him and left this message:

"I feel a little stupid leaving this voicemail because chances are that you're blowing me off. But the stubborn part of me refuses to believe that I was so wrong about you, so I'm wondering if there was some kind of miscommunication. If that's not the case, I was hoping you might give me an explanation. Because to be honest, I am totally baffled by the radio silence. If I'm totally off base, then I would really appreciate a call or an email. Hope to talk to you soon." Read more here.

She went on to say that he called back and said the magic wasn't there. A totally crappy response, but still, it's better late than never. Closure people, it's the least that is owed to someone in a bad situation. Marie Claire blogger Maura Kelly asked the other day is honestly in breakups is overrated. In the past, I have to admit I haven't always been honest at the expense of protecting someones feelings. But if you don't want to date me or be in a vague/undefined relationship with me, and you're now dating someone else, FACEBOOK is not the way to find out!

ANALYSIS:
So, as the wonderful 20-Somethings blog has outlined, men are divided into several categories, and the man-child is on the rise. As much as I wanted to believe Fred was not a man child, he clearly is. Now, he's in a relationship (thanks for the heads up late last night Facebook!) with a 19-year old. Top off my weeks of wisdom teeth pain (I'm counting the days til Thursday), this was not good news.

I haven't talked to him in days, and as the last few days of dental issues had left me exhausted, I was looking form him to talk and take my mind off things. Well, my tooth pain has been less on my mind now, for sure. Here's how it went down:

I unknowingly asked on Wednesday night what he had done that night (as he often takes a nap until Conan on those nights because 'nothing is on TV'). After talking about a Mets game, he said he played with Facebook options such as changing the language (to Pirate most likely), and now he was in a civil union. Haha- funny story, he met this girl online, they've hung out a bunch of times. My response: What? And some catty but totally funny comments about registering at Walmart. My friend heard what I said and she was in shock at my suggestion they get gifts from the Miley Cyrus collection.

The part that bothered me the most:
FRED: In any event, we enjoy each others company in the present time lol.
(Direct quote, including the inability to space words out an all)

So, did I miss something? Clearly. Although, not too long ago (a few weeks ago), you said you were enjoying my company. After getting our mutual friend to interview Fred about the situation he reported back to me, "it doesn't look good. This is kinda messed up."

Cut to this morning:
I had a text waiting when I woke up. From Fred. It read:

11:31 am
You wouldn't want a PS3 would you.... $200

In the words of Avril Lavigne, "What the Hell?"

Formulating a response that is a mixture of "Are you kidding me?" "I hate you" and "Wow you are a childish, lying, tool!" But most importantly- I am not gonna be his shelf girl while he indulges in childish behavior. Pop out- I don't think we can be friends anymore.

To be continued......

I'm Taking Back Java's Apology to the Gents

Let me begin by saying I'm sure there are nice guys out there somewhere. In my experience, I've seen them. They date your friends sometimes and they're nice to you. But most of those princely looking dudes end up being frogs. My buddy Java recently wrote an apology on behalf of women to dudes because of the crazy advice Cosmo gives about "signs your man might be cheating," pointed out by Cracked.com.

But given my recent dealings (haha- as if adult men actually deal with their issues head-on), with dudes being shifty and LYING, I tend to think they have it coming- ball clamps and all.

For instance, the shifty Peter Florrick on CBS's "The Good Wife," (played by the endearing but almost un-loveable a-hole referred to as Mr. Big) not only cheated on his wife in a horrible scandal that sent him to jail and her struggling to provide for their kids, but he redeemed himself, plead for her to take him back, and now we find out the jerk had a one night thing with his lead investigator. Said investigator Kalinda has since then became one of his wife's closest friends and confidantes. That's messed up. It's great TV, but it's messed up.

Anyway back to magazine advice:
An article from The Gloss suggested that as a society we take female infidelity more seriously than male infidelity, almost like, o well it's a guy, we can't expect him to do any better. Well its not 1960 anymore- so let's get some perspective. Deciect and liying in relationships should always be NOT expected, and its not cool. So begin duped still hurts, regardless of gender. And ther duper should feel that pain. As the article suggests, men cheat more for sex and women cheat more for intimacy.

Fine, that sounds reasonable. But at the same time I have to bring up the fact that more and more dudes today are stuck in this unattractive, childish non-adult, Peter Pan mindset. This is not an excuse for cheating, but if I was dating a dude who was constantly acting like he was 12 instead of 24, and I met another guy who actually got up in the morning, went to a job, didn't spend hours playing video games, and called when he said he would, then I could see wanting to get out of the former relationship. On the complete other hand, immature guys seem to flock to younger girls - so they can be on he same level. (SEE FRED)

In a more "lets keep a less crazy perspective on cheating, but recognize its still bad" article, Marie Claire's resident dude blogger Rich presented "Signs He's Cheating" in February. Read this, not the Cosmo piece. Rich, who seems like a nice, normal guy, breaks it down for a guys side. But after that, feel free to go all Carrie Underwood on his car- its a lesson he may never forget.

Tired of Being Listed

In a very long (but condensed story), I have to have my wisdom teeth pulled. I don't have dental insurance through work- and to add to the greatness, I can only afford to have two (the most hurting ones) pulled now. Why is this important? Because after leaving the oral surgeon with an appointment for next week, I went to get some coffee at Dunkin. There was a flier lying near the door for some kind of real estate company- and this flier spoke to me.

It said:
Tired of being listed?
Get sold.

In a larger context, dating is a lot like buying or selling a house. We don't want to scare off the potential buyer with all our emotional baggage or smelly basements- but we intrigue them enough with pretty chandeliers and a fresh new mailbox (curbside appeal is important- I watch House Hunters...). And yes, usually, it ends up blowing up in our faces, but just once,I think it would be nice to be sold to someone (someone who cares). And furthermore, a real man actively pursues a deal and will fight for the house he wants.

Oh metaphors.... I really do love them.

Time to Bust Some Windows Out Ya Car

I am never asking "What did you do tonight?" ever again........

At least she's 18.

PS Fred- Consider yourself dead to me.

Crying- Is it Sexy?

Marie Claire blogger Maura Kelly suggested that some people think crying is a turn-on. This got me thinking. As far as dudes go, its nice to seem them cry once in a blue moon, but I honestly would prefer to see a dude not cry.

An Apology To the Gents (On Behalf of a Cosmo Subscriber...)

Yes, I get Cosmo.

There. I've admitted it.

And thanks to my yearly [free] Cosmo subscription I know all about why it's awesome to have tiny boobs and if I'm too intimidating.

But let's face it, ladies, some of the things they put in Cosmo are downright ridiculous. Please not the sarcasm.

If guys didn't think we were all psycho to begin with, I present to you this educational article from Cracked.com.

I mean really Cosmo, do you think we're that dumb? Anyone who attempts any of these (or believes this crap) should be smacked, then smacked again. If we go based on this, the perfect guy is... well... a silent homebody who never does anything ever. And us ladies would be in jail.

Please, Cosmo. Give us ladies some credit as intelligent creatures. It would be appreciated.

On Love, In Sadness

First of all, this blog post title comes from the wonderful Mr. Jason Mraz. It was chosen because of a recent conversation Java and I had where we were trying to decipher the lyrics. I thought the chorus talked about, "Love is a riddle madness"
and she thought it was, "Love is a bitter madness."
Here's the shocker: its neither. Mr. Mraz says,"Love is a brittle madness." Indeed, love is quite the brittle madness.

So, back to what this post is about: relationships. Shocker! After spending virtually an entire weekend with plenty (at lead 7 or 8) totally adorable and happy friend couples (love you guys), I've been pausing for some serious reflections on past relationships and what I've learned from them. Here it goes:

What I learned from past relationships (or sometimes lack thereof):

1. Sometimes you can't force yourself to feel more about someone.
(AKA- the reason things don't always work out when you move from a friendship to a relationship.) And although you feel awful for it, after some trying, its time to be honest.

1a. HONESTY IS IMPORTANT
to be honest to yourself, and your significant other, your friends...

For instance: if you promise to quit your occasional nasty smotking habit because your girlfriend thinks its gross (IT WAS), don't tell her its done and get caught by her sitting outside smoking, alone, under a tree, like you don't have a care in the world. This is how people lost trust in you. And if you are caught, don't say things like, "Yeah, well I'm gonna stop soon. Why are you mad at me?"

HONESTY Point two: THE MAYBE FACTOR
If you don't like someone, don't string them along. Its going to make things worse. Feelings always get involved. And if you think you might be able to work things out later (not like, oh after I date someone else later), then tell them. Give them the option to say "No I don't want to be put on your shelf."

HONESTY Point three: having 'the talk'
Now the talk has various stages- from "what does this kiss mean" to "do we have a future together," but whatever it is, the more you put it off, the worse the answer will be.

2. You can't change someone that doesn't want to be changed.
Duh...... Its a hard truth to learn. But someone who makes a promise and continually fails is not going to change on their own accord.

3. Its noble to want to be friends after a breakup...
.... but it takes time to get there, if ever. Things will never be the same. Sometimes its weird to not have that close connection with someone who sued to be a part of your life, but eventually it gets easier.

4. If you really want to see the person, you will find a way to see them,
If you're like eh, whatevs, I don't need to see you now, or tomorrow, but how about next week?....then you're probably not that into him. And vice versa.
If you want to race home from work to see their dog enter a talent show, then you really do care.

5. Its not all flowers and candy.
Trust me, I really like flowers and candy. But a smiley face text after a crappy day can mean even more. And soemtimes watvching a movie in is nicer than going out for a fancy dinner. READ ME: Fancy dinners should still happen on occasion.

6. Guys have feelings. Sometimes, a lot of feelings.
And yes, they usually have trouble expressing them. And sometimes, they express too much. Well we're all human. It's kinda cute, as long as they don't start sobbing. Nothing kills your feelings for a dude like hearing him complain like hes having his man period.

7. "Lets be friends" has different gender meanings.
see the binary scale

8. No matter how much you talk about (sports scores, Vin Disel movies, cars, wrestling, anything that makes people covered in mud, episodes of jackass).... I will never care.
Sorry dude, that's why you have friends. I will respect this and not tell you everything about Grey's Anatomy, the amazing shoe sale I went to, my concern for the Kardashian family's well being, with the exception of gushing about the pretty doctor men.

Now some of this knowledge seems slightly on the negative side (hey I'm speaking the truth), so the last two are some positive things I've learned.

9. If you find someone who can tolerate you (AKA- they don't think you're a complete basket case/princess/jock/brain/screwup- yes, I just referenced Breakfast Club), hang on to them dearly. Because seeing my cute happy friends, there are people like that out there. That think your quirks are funny, and high five your "thats what she said" jokes.

10. PDA is a necessity for a healthy relationship (TASTEFUL PDA)
So you don't have to suck someone's face in a public forum... that's gross. But sometimes an arm around your shoulder or a quick kiss is nice. It reinforces two things- the person is not trying to hide your relationship) and it shows happiness. It makes you happy to show people that you have a relationship and you tolerate each other in a loving way.

Conclusions of the Past Less Than 24 Hours

1. Take home tests that require you not to sleep suck balls. It should not take 22 hours to complete a 4 question take home exam.

2. Despite my insistence upon being the free bird, no commitment, bitter relationship Betsy, the boys are getting under my skin.

3. Always, always, always, ALWAYS have the post hookup discussion of where you stand. It will make you less cray cray at the end of the week.

I've been a crazy hot mess, times ten on the crazy and minus the hot, the last 24 hours. A more introspective post later.