I'm Taking Back Java's Apology to the Gents

Let me begin by saying I'm sure there are nice guys out there somewhere. In my experience, I've seen them. They date your friends sometimes and they're nice to you. But most of those princely looking dudes end up being frogs. My buddy Java recently wrote an apology on behalf of women to dudes because of the crazy advice Cosmo gives about "signs your man might be cheating," pointed out by Cracked.com.

But given my recent dealings (haha- as if adult men actually deal with their issues head-on), with dudes being shifty and LYING, I tend to think they have it coming- ball clamps and all.

For instance, the shifty Peter Florrick on CBS's "The Good Wife," (played by the endearing but almost un-loveable a-hole referred to as Mr. Big) not only cheated on his wife in a horrible scandal that sent him to jail and her struggling to provide for their kids, but he redeemed himself, plead for her to take him back, and now we find out the jerk had a one night thing with his lead investigator. Said investigator Kalinda has since then became one of his wife's closest friends and confidantes. That's messed up. It's great TV, but it's messed up.

Anyway back to magazine advice:
An article from The Gloss suggested that as a society we take female infidelity more seriously than male infidelity, almost like, o well it's a guy, we can't expect him to do any better. Well its not 1960 anymore- so let's get some perspective. Deciect and liying in relationships should always be NOT expected, and its not cool. So begin duped still hurts, regardless of gender. And ther duper should feel that pain. As the article suggests, men cheat more for sex and women cheat more for intimacy.

Fine, that sounds reasonable. But at the same time I have to bring up the fact that more and more dudes today are stuck in this unattractive, childish non-adult, Peter Pan mindset. This is not an excuse for cheating, but if I was dating a dude who was constantly acting like he was 12 instead of 24, and I met another guy who actually got up in the morning, went to a job, didn't spend hours playing video games, and called when he said he would, then I could see wanting to get out of the former relationship. On the complete other hand, immature guys seem to flock to younger girls - so they can be on he same level. (SEE FRED)

In a more "lets keep a less crazy perspective on cheating, but recognize its still bad" article, Marie Claire's resident dude blogger Rich presented "Signs He's Cheating" in February. Read this, not the Cosmo piece. Rich, who seems like a nice, normal guy, breaks it down for a guys side. But after that, feel free to go all Carrie Underwood on his car- its a lesson he may never forget.

Tired of Being Listed

In a very long (but condensed story), I have to have my wisdom teeth pulled. I don't have dental insurance through work- and to add to the greatness, I can only afford to have two (the most hurting ones) pulled now. Why is this important? Because after leaving the oral surgeon with an appointment for next week, I went to get some coffee at Dunkin. There was a flier lying near the door for some kind of real estate company- and this flier spoke to me.

It said:
Tired of being listed?
Get sold.

In a larger context, dating is a lot like buying or selling a house. We don't want to scare off the potential buyer with all our emotional baggage or smelly basements- but we intrigue them enough with pretty chandeliers and a fresh new mailbox (curbside appeal is important- I watch House Hunters...). And yes, usually, it ends up blowing up in our faces, but just once,I think it would be nice to be sold to someone (someone who cares). And furthermore, a real man actively pursues a deal and will fight for the house he wants.

Oh metaphors.... I really do love them.

Time to Bust Some Windows Out Ya Car

I am never asking "What did you do tonight?" ever again........

At least she's 18.

PS Fred- Consider yourself dead to me.

Crying- Is it Sexy?

Marie Claire blogger Maura Kelly suggested that some people think crying is a turn-on. This got me thinking. As far as dudes go, its nice to seem them cry once in a blue moon, but I honestly would prefer to see a dude not cry.

An Apology To the Gents (On Behalf of a Cosmo Subscriber...)

Yes, I get Cosmo.

There. I've admitted it.

And thanks to my yearly [free] Cosmo subscription I know all about why it's awesome to have tiny boobs and if I'm too intimidating.

But let's face it, ladies, some of the things they put in Cosmo are downright ridiculous. Please not the sarcasm.

If guys didn't think we were all psycho to begin with, I present to you this educational article from Cracked.com.

I mean really Cosmo, do you think we're that dumb? Anyone who attempts any of these (or believes this crap) should be smacked, then smacked again. If we go based on this, the perfect guy is... well... a silent homebody who never does anything ever. And us ladies would be in jail.

Please, Cosmo. Give us ladies some credit as intelligent creatures. It would be appreciated.

On Love, In Sadness

First of all, this blog post title comes from the wonderful Mr. Jason Mraz. It was chosen because of a recent conversation Java and I had where we were trying to decipher the lyrics. I thought the chorus talked about, "Love is a riddle madness"
and she thought it was, "Love is a bitter madness."
Here's the shocker: its neither. Mr. Mraz says,"Love is a brittle madness." Indeed, love is quite the brittle madness.

So, back to what this post is about: relationships. Shocker! After spending virtually an entire weekend with plenty (at lead 7 or 8) totally adorable and happy friend couples (love you guys), I've been pausing for some serious reflections on past relationships and what I've learned from them. Here it goes:

What I learned from past relationships (or sometimes lack thereof):

1. Sometimes you can't force yourself to feel more about someone.
(AKA- the reason things don't always work out when you move from a friendship to a relationship.) And although you feel awful for it, after some trying, its time to be honest.

1a. HONESTY IS IMPORTANT
to be honest to yourself, and your significant other, your friends...

For instance: if you promise to quit your occasional nasty smotking habit because your girlfriend thinks its gross (IT WAS), don't tell her its done and get caught by her sitting outside smoking, alone, under a tree, like you don't have a care in the world. This is how people lost trust in you. And if you are caught, don't say things like, "Yeah, well I'm gonna stop soon. Why are you mad at me?"

HONESTY Point two: THE MAYBE FACTOR
If you don't like someone, don't string them along. Its going to make things worse. Feelings always get involved. And if you think you might be able to work things out later (not like, oh after I date someone else later), then tell them. Give them the option to say "No I don't want to be put on your shelf."

HONESTY Point three: having 'the talk'
Now the talk has various stages- from "what does this kiss mean" to "do we have a future together," but whatever it is, the more you put it off, the worse the answer will be.

2. You can't change someone that doesn't want to be changed.
Duh...... Its a hard truth to learn. But someone who makes a promise and continually fails is not going to change on their own accord.

3. Its noble to want to be friends after a breakup...
.... but it takes time to get there, if ever. Things will never be the same. Sometimes its weird to not have that close connection with someone who sued to be a part of your life, but eventually it gets easier.

4. If you really want to see the person, you will find a way to see them,
If you're like eh, whatevs, I don't need to see you now, or tomorrow, but how about next week?....then you're probably not that into him. And vice versa.
If you want to race home from work to see their dog enter a talent show, then you really do care.

5. Its not all flowers and candy.
Trust me, I really like flowers and candy. But a smiley face text after a crappy day can mean even more. And soemtimes watvching a movie in is nicer than going out for a fancy dinner. READ ME: Fancy dinners should still happen on occasion.

6. Guys have feelings. Sometimes, a lot of feelings.
And yes, they usually have trouble expressing them. And sometimes, they express too much. Well we're all human. It's kinda cute, as long as they don't start sobbing. Nothing kills your feelings for a dude like hearing him complain like hes having his man period.

7. "Lets be friends" has different gender meanings.
see the binary scale

8. No matter how much you talk about (sports scores, Vin Disel movies, cars, wrestling, anything that makes people covered in mud, episodes of jackass).... I will never care.
Sorry dude, that's why you have friends. I will respect this and not tell you everything about Grey's Anatomy, the amazing shoe sale I went to, my concern for the Kardashian family's well being, with the exception of gushing about the pretty doctor men.

Now some of this knowledge seems slightly on the negative side (hey I'm speaking the truth), so the last two are some positive things I've learned.

9. If you find someone who can tolerate you (AKA- they don't think you're a complete basket case/princess/jock/brain/screwup- yes, I just referenced Breakfast Club), hang on to them dearly. Because seeing my cute happy friends, there are people like that out there. That think your quirks are funny, and high five your "thats what she said" jokes.

10. PDA is a necessity for a healthy relationship (TASTEFUL PDA)
So you don't have to suck someone's face in a public forum... that's gross. But sometimes an arm around your shoulder or a quick kiss is nice. It reinforces two things- the person is not trying to hide your relationship) and it shows happiness. It makes you happy to show people that you have a relationship and you tolerate each other in a loving way.

Conclusions of the Past Less Than 24 Hours

1. Take home tests that require you not to sleep suck balls. It should not take 22 hours to complete a 4 question take home exam.

2. Despite my insistence upon being the free bird, no commitment, bitter relationship Betsy, the boys are getting under my skin.

3. Always, always, always, ALWAYS have the post hookup discussion of where you stand. It will make you less cray cray at the end of the week.

I've been a crazy hot mess, times ten on the crazy and minus the hot, the last 24 hours. A more introspective post later.