Dear Dudes: Tips to be a Cool Guy

I have to preface this list by explaining that Java and I just had a little prezzie exchange and we both got each other Mindy Kaling's Is Everybody Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other concerns), and we love Mindy. We totally want to be her friend. In one of her chapters, she gives a list called "Guys Need to Do Almost Nothing to Be Great." I felt so inspired to share my own list based on personal experiences and observations.

DO call/text/e-mail/send a flare 1x a day...
If you do not live with your lady paramour. It doesn't have to be a big thing. A simple, "Hey! I'm alive" will do, although "thinking of you" is always preferred.

DO try some outgoing things
One karaoke song won't kill you. A duet could be fun.Ten songs might make you a jerk. And always refrain from stealing the mic from others.

DO answer as honestly (and sometimes tactfully) as possible
You will know when this sort of situation arises.

DO agree to go with her to that concert/watch that movie
Dirty Dancing is a classic. When you see the hungry eyes scene, you will understand why Baby needs to leave the corner. She will appreciate you being there during the sweet, slow, love ballad. You will get back tenfold what effort you put into these thoughtful things, or as my friend said at the end of a John Mayer concert, "I bet a lot of babies will be made tonight." Anybody got a 3 and a half year old? I rest my case.

DO make an effort to meet/socialize with her friends
If the friends do not approve you or see that you make her happy, things are headed for a Gossip-girl like catastrophe. You know what I mean-hair pulling, yelling, public deceit, crashing into fountains. This can all be avoided if we play nice.

Don't spend all your time doing impressions/talking in weird voices
I'm not dating Sacha Baron Cohen for this very reason. Being funny is important. Having a normal conversation is more important.

Don't follow her around when she's pissed at you
This applies to all female relationships. She will only be more mad that you can't leave her alone. Let her go talk out the stupid thing(s) you did (leaving the toilet seat up, hitting on her sister, wearing a speedo to her family BBQ- dude- really?) and let her tell you when she is ready to address you.

Think carefully. Don't be a smartass. Until next time!

Where Did All the Men Go?

Is it mid-December and you're lamenting about past loves (regardless of how wrong they were)? Welcome to holiday crazy singleness (HCS). Even if you're mildly involved with someone, you cannot be in this group. You've come to the right place. We're the before in a really pathetic rom-com, starring a solid B-lister. Maybe the awkward best friend in an A-lister, where you end up with the guy's brother/friend in the last scene. Are you lamenting as you hear stories of you friend's preteen dating days, because you were clearly not as cool as them? Yup. There's no easy solution, but it's that time of year that always makes me wonder- where did all the men go? Are they all shopping for Christmas presents? Cutting logs for the fire? Decking the halls with boughs of holly. If they're out there, send up a flare? In the meantime, I'll be Judy Greer-ing it over here with my other single pals. Strength in numbers!

Awkward: Log Flume for 5

Super-awkward.......

As far as my definitions for situations on a hierarchical level of personal hell go (think DANTE's INFERNO), I think I've added a new situation. Now I'm contending my recent amusement park trip against my previous most awkward post-relationship moment- being stuck sitting next to my ex-boyfriend on a train, while my friends sat in the row in front of me, less than 24 hours after we broke up. When later confronted about the event they said, "Oh, we thought you might still have some issues to work out." No, our issues were pretty well settled as of last night, when I told him it was over. And by far the best quote came from a friend that was a little not-too-caught up to the news: "I didn't know you guys had broken up. I thought you wanted some couple time."

To return to my story, I headed to an amusement park this weekend with some friends, and Fred (he was invited by one of our guy friends, for the record). Fred and said friend (lets call him Greg) showed up to the event wearing superhero capes. For anyone that's been out of the loop, I have barely spoken to Fred three months. I did attend his birthday party (with mild protest) earlier this month after receiving a personal invitation. In said invitation (via text), he said he would like to be friends again and he missed me from his life, as I am/was one of his closest friends. That said, it would seem reasonable that he might attempt to talk to me, right? Haha, wrong again.

While Fred did spend time apologizing to my friend for singing Stephen-Lynch style songs about her at the party, and time chatting with my other friend about various summer plans, he said nary a word directed at me. Let the record show I didn't say much to him either, but that's my prerogative as the hurt party in this situation. I don't have anything particularly nice to say to him, so I'm choosing not to say anything. But he, who (refer back to above) claims he wants to have things be different (as in me talking to him on a frequent basis in a polite and friendly manner), better learn to start the conversation if he hopes for anything to change. Even a simple "Hey how's it going?" might show some effort on his part that he actually means what he says. Why would I want to be friends with someone who can't even say hello to me? I'm not seeing any reason to be buddies or make any efforts toward forgiveness at this time. See his announcement via Facebook that he's dating a 19-year old AND the prior 'I need time to think things out, I'm not ready for a relationship yet' posts in case you've forgotten why this whole thing begun. So in essence, I'm issuing him a challenge (it has become known and my and Java's phrase to live by) - MAN UP! Real men say they are sorry (they don't text it), they make efforts to live up to their claims, in theory they tell the truth, and they don't do things that might reasonably make their friends upset.

Furthermore, I have so easily made a decision about what my plans are for 4th of July [as I had planned to take an annual road trip to the Birthplace of Freedom - AKA Boston - with my friends, (including Fred)]. Drum roll please- I'M NOT GOING! Not only will I get some much needed downtime, but I will avoid a weekend of uncomfortable tension- yay! And as an added bonus, I won't have to sit there and watch Fred and New Christine (an explanation on her name to follow in the next post) all weekend. Yes folks, he invited his child bride girlfriend on a trip he knew I was coming on. That seems to add another check mark in the "He's a douche" column for those of you keeping score. But rumor has it she's hesitant to go, because she thinks some of his friends hate her, (I was not mentioned in the grouping ironically enough) so I'm curious to see how this plays out.

So now that we're all caught up, let's return to my awkward moment. Fred did have the good sense not to try to sit next to me on any roller coasters, as I might have tried to hit him in the face with my hands and blamed it on gravitational pull (damn that G-force). But when our group decided to hit the log flume, it all went crazy. We decided it would be reasonable to squish 5 adults in a log flume (broken up into two parts and probably broken up best to accommodate 4). Everyone climbed in before me. I stood there on the turntable loading dock saying "Hey guys, where am I supposed to squeeze in?" Of course the only room to be found was to squeeze into the front, smack dab behind my friend and right in front of Fred. In another time and place (read 5 months ago), I would have been thrilled with this prospect; it would have made me giddy. But given the circumstances, it made me ill and uncomfortable. I could not wait to get out. So I sat in a log flume, Fred just inches away from me, my friend's ponytail in my face, and got ridiculously soaked. It was not my idea of fun.

Widowed White Male looking for love. Nanny needed.

Its been a while since I watched The Nanny. But I did tonight, and I came to the startling conclusion: I want Mr. Sheffield. Wow, what a man.

Qualities:
- British
- Wealthy
- Just a touch of grey forming around the temples
- Doting Children
- That intense 'will I or won't I' air


I'm sold. I'll be your nanny.

And this image comes from the episode I saw tonight, where Mr. S reunites with his father, who disgracefully left his family to be with his tawdry secretary (Joan Collins guest starring). Sheffy suddenly decides to embrace his father's attitude and get with Fran, only to change his mind. See future post for my thoughts about Mr. Sheffield taking back his 'I love you.'