Things That Make Me Want to Flee...

1. Girls in Ugg Boots. Multiple reasons.

a. they look ugg-ly (especially after being in the rain or snow. Has anyone heard of waterproofing the SUEDE BOOTS?)
b. they make your foot look huge (a la ice skaters that wear their tights over their skates)
c. they do not go with everything. Not with skirts or dresses....
d. they lower your IQ

2. People that flaunt the fact that they can spell
a. Yes, I want to date you the moment your okcupid profile says- i got some skilliez and it's fun to go boweling. USE SPELLCHECK! Have a friend read this before you post.

3. NCIS marathons
a. What did I ever do to you USA? Does Mark Harmon have something on you?

4. People that protest the superbowl
a. I'm not saying you need to go crazy, I'm not uber superbowl, but don't protest it outright and go see a foreign film to escape the hoopla. This is America and these are our traditions.

Dear Dudes: Tips to be a Cool Guy

I have to preface this list by explaining that Java and I just had a little prezzie exchange and we both got each other Mindy Kaling's Is Everybody Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other concerns), and we love Mindy. We totally want to be her friend. In one of her chapters, she gives a list called "Guys Need to Do Almost Nothing to Be Great." I felt so inspired to share my own list based on personal experiences and observations.

DO call/text/e-mail/send a flare 1x a day...
If you do not live with your lady paramour. It doesn't have to be a big thing. A simple, "Hey! I'm alive" will do, although "thinking of you" is always preferred.

DO try some outgoing things
One karaoke song won't kill you. A duet could be fun.Ten songs might make you a jerk. And always refrain from stealing the mic from others.

DO answer as honestly (and sometimes tactfully) as possible
You will know when this sort of situation arises.

DO agree to go with her to that concert/watch that movie
Dirty Dancing is a classic. When you see the hungry eyes scene, you will understand why Baby needs to leave the corner. She will appreciate you being there during the sweet, slow, love ballad. You will get back tenfold what effort you put into these thoughtful things, or as my friend said at the end of a John Mayer concert, "I bet a lot of babies will be made tonight." Anybody got a 3 and a half year old? I rest my case.

DO make an effort to meet/socialize with her friends
If the friends do not approve you or see that you make her happy, things are headed for a Gossip-girl like catastrophe. You know what I mean-hair pulling, yelling, public deceit, crashing into fountains. This can all be avoided if we play nice.

Don't spend all your time doing impressions/talking in weird voices
I'm not dating Sacha Baron Cohen for this very reason. Being funny is important. Having a normal conversation is more important.

Don't follow her around when she's pissed at you
This applies to all female relationships. She will only be more mad that you can't leave her alone. Let her go talk out the stupid thing(s) you did (leaving the toilet seat up, hitting on her sister, wearing a speedo to her family BBQ- dude- really?) and let her tell you when she is ready to address you.

Think carefully. Don't be a smartass. Until next time!

That's What Friends Are For

Happy 2012! I think it has been decided this will be the year of the friend! I'd like to take this moment to just thank my pals and true buddies for being there. Showing up is half the battle, and listening is usually the other part. I'm very lucky to know there's a few people that have my back no matter what- and are there to agree with something I say no matter how silly it seems. And I'm pretty sure that if it came to it- they will pin me down and shoot eyedrops into my eyes or convince a greek priest to marry me on a moment's notice. So, thanks guys! Love ya lots.

PS- you know you have true friends when they call you up and karaoke a song to you. You've welcome VMB! Hope we weren't too loud.

Where Did All the Men Go?

Is it mid-December and you're lamenting about past loves (regardless of how wrong they were)? Welcome to holiday crazy singleness (HCS). Even if you're mildly involved with someone, you cannot be in this group. You've come to the right place. We're the before in a really pathetic rom-com, starring a solid B-lister. Maybe the awkward best friend in an A-lister, where you end up with the guy's brother/friend in the last scene. Are you lamenting as you hear stories of you friend's preteen dating days, because you were clearly not as cool as them? Yup. There's no easy solution, but it's that time of year that always makes me wonder- where did all the men go? Are they all shopping for Christmas presents? Cutting logs for the fire? Decking the halls with boughs of holly. If they're out there, send up a flare? In the meantime, I'll be Judy Greer-ing it over here with my other single pals. Strength in numbers!

On Elaborate Weddings and the Disney Proposal

So I’ve always considered myself the no-nonsese type. Especially when it comes to weddings and that whole shebang [she-bang?]. I’ve never quite understood Bridezillas and Platinum Weddings and all those crazy bride shows. To me, a wedding isn't a day for the bride to be a bitch to everyone and look fabulous. It's a day to celebrate you as a couple. So yeah. That's my piece.

To say the least, it is very rare that some sort of elaborate engagement/wedding/wedding dance set up really gets me all emotional. In general, I find them pretty trite and cloy and just trying too hard. Most of the time it looks like the bride just wants extra attention. Example: my roomate recently was a bridesmaid at a wedding with a flash mob. Nay, a Lady Gaga flashmob. Which, btw, the bride did NOT tell the groom was happening. Needless to say, he walked out of the room embarassed.

But there is the rare exception to the rule. I can actually count these exceptions on one hand. There are two, out there on the internets, that literally make me go “I should hate this, but GOD future invisa-husband, this is the new standard.” For some reason, they aren't cheesy. They're... dare I say it?.... kind of romantic. And in the tradition of "things that make my bitter heart fuzzy," I had to share the latest this week[end].

The first is a couple of years old. Known as the "JK Wedding Entrance Dance," the bridal party, along with the bride and groom, dance down the aisle to Chris Brown's Forever. The first time I saw it, I totally burst into tears. I wish I could explain why. But there's something in the video- maybe the fact that everyone just seems so genuinely happy to be there- that just gets me every time. That, and there's an adorable old grandma in the second row, and who doesn't love an adorable little old lady. Fo sho!

Besides that, this video blew up when it was first posted. It spawned a sequel "JK Divorce Dance" and was parodied by The Office for Jim and Pam's wedding [another one that gets me every friggen time- especially the last thirty seconds!]. I mean shit. How awesome is it to have your friggen wedding parodied by a hit TV show?

The second vid just showed up on the internets a few days ago. It's a flashmob (yes, I know) in Downtown Disney set up by a guy who wants to propose to his girlfriend. He and his friends are dancers, and so they set it to Bruno Mars's "Marry You."

In this one, it's not really the flash mob that gets me. It's her reaction. The minute she sees him jump in and start dancing, and she clearly knows something is up. I just welled up at it.

So final thoughts of this absurdly random post [I'm honestly a horendous blogger]? It's not necessarily go big or go home. Go big on the sentiment [yes, those words are leaving my mouth... fingers?]. If it's not there- if it's clear your just trying to shoot to youtube fame, people will know. Genuine emotion is the winner here. At least in the case of making my bitter heart a bit more fuzzy.

Don't Call Me Sentimental

But he's got me binging on Taylor Swift and losing sleep. This is not necessarily a bad thing.

~This is me praying that

This was the very first page

Not where the storyline ends~

Love Songs: Smooth Vs. Sleazy- 80's Power Ballads

In a recent car drive, my friend and I were discussing what cheezeball song lyrics we would take seriously in real life if a guy said them to us and which ones we would flat out deny. here are some thoughts:

Don Henley: Boys of Summer
Grade: Smooth
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
after the boys of summer have gone

Foreigner: I Wanna Know What Love Is
Grade: Sleazy, most likely to be used in tawdry montage of an 80's movie
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me

REO Speedwagon: Keep on Loving You
Grade: Borderline obsessive, sleazy
I don't wanna eat, I don't wanna sleep
I just wanna keep on loving you

Bon Jovi: In These Arms
Grade: Super smooth
I'd hold you, I'd need you,
I'd get down on my knees for you,
and make everything alright,
if you were in these arms tonight