Facebook Relationships

My friend and longtime facebook wifey of 5 years dumped me two night ago... in all seriousness, I'm handling it fine..... the children will have to learn to cope though.

To clarify, wifey wanted to make clear to her coworkers that we are not in any sort of real domestic partnership, because those are legal now, but they weren't when we first got facebook "engaged."

Thanks to M for 5 great years!

Dating Wesbite Tip #1

If you have to tell people you're sarcastic in your profile (ex: well, uh, my humor is kinda sarcastic....), then you are not sarcastic. And please don't use LOL in your profile.

On Love, In Sadness- Part Deux

Tonight I learned that my friends, who had been dating for 6 years total, engaged for a year, have split up. It was pretty shocking for a few reasons. First of all, it just sucks. It sucks when your friend ends a serious relationship, especially with someone they planned to spend their life with. Secondly, it sucks because it happened to two of my friends. I was friends with both parties before the two got together and I could never imagine having to give up my friendship with either of them. That being said, they live several hundred miles away, so we didn't have the opportunity for weekly poker games that might regularly bring up this awkwardness. More importantly, what do I say to them?

What happened between them is their business and I respect that. It seems that they reached a point where they realized that getting married would frustrate them more than make them happy. That is a tough decision to come to, no matter how much you know it's the right thing to do. I'm so proud of them for being adults and figuring things out before going ahead with a wedding, as I'm sure a lot of people do, with the divorce rate being what it is today. I love them both, no matter what. No party fouls here!

So where does that leave us, the friends? One of my friends pointed out, they seemed like a sure thing, a "role model" of a couple that gave you hope you could have something special. My mind immediately went there too, to a quote from a season 6 episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer when Xander leaves Anya at the altar. Buffy and her friends try to make sense of the situation and she says, "I thought they were my light at the end of the tunnel. I guess it was just a train..." So if this is what being a grown up is like, I wouldn't mind going back to being a kid for a day.

Things That Make Me Want to Flee...

1. Girls in Ugg Boots. Multiple reasons.

a. they look ugg-ly (especially after being in the rain or snow. Has anyone heard of waterproofing the SUEDE BOOTS?)
b. they make your foot look huge (a la ice skaters that wear their tights over their skates)
c. they do not go with everything. Not with skirts or dresses....
d. they lower your IQ

2. People that flaunt the fact that they can spell
a. Yes, I want to date you the moment your okcupid profile says- i got some skilliez and it's fun to go boweling. USE SPELLCHECK! Have a friend read this before you post.

3. NCIS marathons
a. What did I ever do to you USA? Does Mark Harmon have something on you?

4. People that protest the superbowl
a. I'm not saying you need to go crazy, I'm not uber superbowl, but don't protest it outright and go see a foreign film to escape the hoopla. This is America and these are our traditions.

Dear Dudes: Tips to be a Cool Guy

I have to preface this list by explaining that Java and I just had a little prezzie exchange and we both got each other Mindy Kaling's Is Everybody Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other concerns), and we love Mindy. We totally want to be her friend. In one of her chapters, she gives a list called "Guys Need to Do Almost Nothing to Be Great." I felt so inspired to share my own list based on personal experiences and observations.

DO call/text/e-mail/send a flare 1x a day...
If you do not live with your lady paramour. It doesn't have to be a big thing. A simple, "Hey! I'm alive" will do, although "thinking of you" is always preferred.

DO try some outgoing things
One karaoke song won't kill you. A duet could be fun.Ten songs might make you a jerk. And always refrain from stealing the mic from others.

DO answer as honestly (and sometimes tactfully) as possible
You will know when this sort of situation arises.

DO agree to go with her to that concert/watch that movie
Dirty Dancing is a classic. When you see the hungry eyes scene, you will understand why Baby needs to leave the corner. She will appreciate you being there during the sweet, slow, love ballad. You will get back tenfold what effort you put into these thoughtful things, or as my friend said at the end of a John Mayer concert, "I bet a lot of babies will be made tonight." Anybody got a 3 and a half year old? I rest my case.

DO make an effort to meet/socialize with her friends
If the friends do not approve you or see that you make her happy, things are headed for a Gossip-girl like catastrophe. You know what I mean-hair pulling, yelling, public deceit, crashing into fountains. This can all be avoided if we play nice.

Don't spend all your time doing impressions/talking in weird voices
I'm not dating Sacha Baron Cohen for this very reason. Being funny is important. Having a normal conversation is more important.

Don't follow her around when she's pissed at you
This applies to all female relationships. She will only be more mad that you can't leave her alone. Let her go talk out the stupid thing(s) you did (leaving the toilet seat up, hitting on her sister, wearing a speedo to her family BBQ- dude- really?) and let her tell you when she is ready to address you.

Think carefully. Don't be a smartass. Until next time!

That's What Friends Are For

Happy 2012! I think it has been decided this will be the year of the friend! I'd like to take this moment to just thank my pals and true buddies for being there. Showing up is half the battle, and listening is usually the other part. I'm very lucky to know there's a few people that have my back no matter what- and are there to agree with something I say no matter how silly it seems. And I'm pretty sure that if it came to it- they will pin me down and shoot eyedrops into my eyes or convince a greek priest to marry me on a moment's notice. So, thanks guys! Love ya lots.

PS- you know you have true friends when they call you up and karaoke a song to you. You've welcome VMB! Hope we weren't too loud.

Where Did All the Men Go?

Is it mid-December and you're lamenting about past loves (regardless of how wrong they were)? Welcome to holiday crazy singleness (HCS). Even if you're mildly involved with someone, you cannot be in this group. You've come to the right place. We're the before in a really pathetic rom-com, starring a solid B-lister. Maybe the awkward best friend in an A-lister, where you end up with the guy's brother/friend in the last scene. Are you lamenting as you hear stories of you friend's preteen dating days, because you were clearly not as cool as them? Yup. There's no easy solution, but it's that time of year that always makes me wonder- where did all the men go? Are they all shopping for Christmas presents? Cutting logs for the fire? Decking the halls with boughs of holly. If they're out there, send up a flare? In the meantime, I'll be Judy Greer-ing it over here with my other single pals. Strength in numbers!

On Elaborate Weddings and the Disney Proposal

So I’ve always considered myself the no-nonsese type. Especially when it comes to weddings and that whole shebang [she-bang?]. I’ve never quite understood Bridezillas and Platinum Weddings and all those crazy bride shows. To me, a wedding isn't a day for the bride to be a bitch to everyone and look fabulous. It's a day to celebrate you as a couple. So yeah. That's my piece.

To say the least, it is very rare that some sort of elaborate engagement/wedding/wedding dance set up really gets me all emotional. In general, I find them pretty trite and cloy and just trying too hard. Most of the time it looks like the bride just wants extra attention. Example: my roomate recently was a bridesmaid at a wedding with a flash mob. Nay, a Lady Gaga flashmob. Which, btw, the bride did NOT tell the groom was happening. Needless to say, he walked out of the room embarassed.

But there is the rare exception to the rule. I can actually count these exceptions on one hand. There are two, out there on the internets, that literally make me go “I should hate this, but GOD future invisa-husband, this is the new standard.” For some reason, they aren't cheesy. They're... dare I say it?.... kind of romantic. And in the tradition of "things that make my bitter heart fuzzy," I had to share the latest this week[end].

The first is a couple of years old. Known as the "JK Wedding Entrance Dance," the bridal party, along with the bride and groom, dance down the aisle to Chris Brown's Forever. The first time I saw it, I totally burst into tears. I wish I could explain why. But there's something in the video- maybe the fact that everyone just seems so genuinely happy to be there- that just gets me every time. That, and there's an adorable old grandma in the second row, and who doesn't love an adorable little old lady. Fo sho!

Besides that, this video blew up when it was first posted. It spawned a sequel "JK Divorce Dance" and was parodied by The Office for Jim and Pam's wedding [another one that gets me every friggen time- especially the last thirty seconds!]. I mean shit. How awesome is it to have your friggen wedding parodied by a hit TV show?

The second vid just showed up on the internets a few days ago. It's a flashmob (yes, I know) in Downtown Disney set up by a guy who wants to propose to his girlfriend. He and his friends are dancers, and so they set it to Bruno Mars's "Marry You."

In this one, it's not really the flash mob that gets me. It's her reaction. The minute she sees him jump in and start dancing, and she clearly knows something is up. I just welled up at it.

So final thoughts of this absurdly random post [I'm honestly a horendous blogger]? It's not necessarily go big or go home. Go big on the sentiment [yes, those words are leaving my mouth... fingers?]. If it's not there- if it's clear your just trying to shoot to youtube fame, people will know. Genuine emotion is the winner here. At least in the case of making my bitter heart a bit more fuzzy.

Don't Call Me Sentimental

But he's got me binging on Taylor Swift and losing sleep. This is not necessarily a bad thing.

~This is me praying that

This was the very first page

Not where the storyline ends~

Love Songs: Smooth Vs. Sleazy- 80's Power Ballads

In a recent car drive, my friend and I were discussing what cheezeball song lyrics we would take seriously in real life if a guy said them to us and which ones we would flat out deny. here are some thoughts:

Don Henley: Boys of Summer
Grade: Smooth
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
after the boys of summer have gone

Foreigner: I Wanna Know What Love Is
Grade: Sleazy, most likely to be used in tawdry montage of an 80's movie
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me

REO Speedwagon: Keep on Loving You
Grade: Borderline obsessive, sleazy
I don't wanna eat, I don't wanna sleep
I just wanna keep on loving you

Bon Jovi: In These Arms
Grade: Super smooth
I'd hold you, I'd need you,
I'd get down on my knees for you,
and make everything alright,
if you were in these arms tonight

DTR: Thoughts About Defining the Relationship

Well the uncertainty of "will we or won''t we" can hang in the air for a long while and sustain any real (or imagined, or imaged potential) relationship, there comes a time to define the relationship. And as most of us come to realize, a time to move the hell on from the person sucking your life energy and spare thoughts. Some of us will realize this quicker than others, as indicated by this handy dandy pie chart:

Chances are, the person that lets you think its complicated, wants to keep it No Strings Attached, or my other favorite, Friends With Benefits. As I further thought about the complications from getting friendly with friends, I have some thoughts on a great blog post by Thought Catalog, How to Define Your Ambiguous Relationship. Having lived through ambiguity, every text, "Saw Capri suns and thought of you," every ambiguous Facebook post, "You cheated at Candyland," leads you further down a path into ambiguity, and further into the multitude of awkward zones. And before you know it, you're so caught up in this, "What are we, does he care that way about me?"-ness, that you are about one tough friend hiding your phone away from drunk calling with the message, “Arrrrre you muh fuckin’ boyfrien’ or whaaaaaaaat, jesus,” as Joanna from Thought Catalog so articulately put it.

And when you reach that stage, there is a good chance any chance of relationship potential will be zapped by your blooming impatience, like in MV's new show Awkward. The thought catalog outlines these basic steps to defining a relationship (with my comments):

1. Obsess. (Telling everyone, even people you haven't talked to in years, this might be going somewhere. Talking to any male that will listen for advice on "how to handle" him).

2. Brainstorm. (How to run into him, events where you can be in close physical contact).

3. Befriend the person’s friends. (Even if they're hella weird. Attempt to pump them for information).

4. Balk. (Give him some "space" to figure things out").

5. Pull the trigger. (Including asking friend what he thinks of you, only to have said friend get hit on by guy (true story)).

6. Backpedal. (Tell everyone he needs space. Tell yourself he is an idiot, but so lovable).

7. Build resentment.(Over-analyze everything he says in the opposite direction. There's no way he went to the gym 5 times this week and couldn't send you a text. Really hate him. Watch movies with endings where everyone is miserable, and laugh while doing so).

8. Take another pass. (Tell him he is an asshole for even talking to you in the first place. Reprimand him for breaking your trust. Then say you will give him one last chance).

9. Cross your fingers. (Go out for a weekend with the girls. Pump the Beyonce!)

And here you have a chart version of the love/relationship cycle (assuming you actually make it past the DTR chat stage):

And my advice to avoid DTR, be upfront and honest. It's all too easy to play your cards close to the vest, not let him know if you clearly like him, just in case he doesn't feel the same. But being honest early on (don't be the girl he goes to to talk about other girls), and finding out where he stands will save much ambiguity and heartache.