Facebook Relationships

My friend and longtime facebook wifey of 5 years dumped me two night ago... in all seriousness, I'm handling it fine..... the children will have to learn to cope though.

To clarify, wifey wanted to make clear to her coworkers that we are not in any sort of real domestic partnership, because those are legal now, but they weren't when we first got facebook "engaged."

Thanks to M for 5 great years!

Dating Wesbite Tip #1

If you have to tell people you're sarcastic in your profile (ex: well, uh, my humor is kinda sarcastic....), then you are not sarcastic. And please don't use LOL in your profile.

On Love, In Sadness- Part Deux

Tonight I learned that my friends, who had been dating for 6 years total, engaged for a year, have split up. It was pretty shocking for a few reasons. First of all, it just sucks. It sucks when your friend ends a serious relationship, especially with someone they planned to spend their life with. Secondly, it sucks because it happened to two of my friends. I was friends with both parties before the two got together and I could never imagine having to give up my friendship with either of them. That being said, they live several hundred miles away, so we didn't have the opportunity for weekly poker games that might regularly bring up this awkwardness. More importantly, what do I say to them?

What happened between them is their business and I respect that. It seems that they reached a point where they realized that getting married would frustrate them more than make them happy. That is a tough decision to come to, no matter how much you know it's the right thing to do. I'm so proud of them for being adults and figuring things out before going ahead with a wedding, as I'm sure a lot of people do, with the divorce rate being what it is today. I love them both, no matter what. No party fouls here!

So where does that leave us, the friends? One of my friends pointed out, they seemed like a sure thing, a "role model" of a couple that gave you hope you could have something special. My mind immediately went there too, to a quote from a season 6 episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer when Xander leaves Anya at the altar. Buffy and her friends try to make sense of the situation and she says, "I thought they were my light at the end of the tunnel. I guess it was just a train..." So if this is what being a grown up is like, I wouldn't mind going back to being a kid for a day.

Things That Make Me Want to Flee...

1. Girls in Ugg Boots. Multiple reasons.

a. they look ugg-ly (especially after being in the rain or snow. Has anyone heard of waterproofing the SUEDE BOOTS?)
b. they make your foot look huge (a la ice skaters that wear their tights over their skates)
c. they do not go with everything. Not with skirts or dresses....
d. they lower your IQ

2. People that flaunt the fact that they can spell
a. Yes, I want to date you the moment your okcupid profile says- i got some skilliez and it's fun to go boweling. USE SPELLCHECK! Have a friend read this before you post.

3. NCIS marathons
a. What did I ever do to you USA? Does Mark Harmon have something on you?

4. People that protest the superbowl
a. I'm not saying you need to go crazy, I'm not uber superbowl, but don't protest it outright and go see a foreign film to escape the hoopla. This is America and these are our traditions.

Dear Dudes: Tips to be a Cool Guy

I have to preface this list by explaining that Java and I just had a little prezzie exchange and we both got each other Mindy Kaling's Is Everybody Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other concerns), and we love Mindy. We totally want to be her friend. In one of her chapters, she gives a list called "Guys Need to Do Almost Nothing to Be Great." I felt so inspired to share my own list based on personal experiences and observations.

DO call/text/e-mail/send a flare 1x a day...
If you do not live with your lady paramour. It doesn't have to be a big thing. A simple, "Hey! I'm alive" will do, although "thinking of you" is always preferred.

DO try some outgoing things
One karaoke song won't kill you. A duet could be fun.Ten songs might make you a jerk. And always refrain from stealing the mic from others.

DO answer as honestly (and sometimes tactfully) as possible
You will know when this sort of situation arises.

DO agree to go with her to that concert/watch that movie
Dirty Dancing is a classic. When you see the hungry eyes scene, you will understand why Baby needs to leave the corner. She will appreciate you being there during the sweet, slow, love ballad. You will get back tenfold what effort you put into these thoughtful things, or as my friend said at the end of a John Mayer concert, "I bet a lot of babies will be made tonight." Anybody got a 3 and a half year old? I rest my case.

DO make an effort to meet/socialize with her friends
If the friends do not approve you or see that you make her happy, things are headed for a Gossip-girl like catastrophe. You know what I mean-hair pulling, yelling, public deceit, crashing into fountains. This can all be avoided if we play nice.

Don't spend all your time doing impressions/talking in weird voices
I'm not dating Sacha Baron Cohen for this very reason. Being funny is important. Having a normal conversation is more important.

Don't follow her around when she's pissed at you
This applies to all female relationships. She will only be more mad that you can't leave her alone. Let her go talk out the stupid thing(s) you did (leaving the toilet seat up, hitting on her sister, wearing a speedo to her family BBQ- dude- really?) and let her tell you when she is ready to address you.

Think carefully. Don't be a smartass. Until next time!

That's What Friends Are For

Happy 2012! I think it has been decided this will be the year of the friend! I'd like to take this moment to just thank my pals and true buddies for being there. Showing up is half the battle, and listening is usually the other part. I'm very lucky to know there's a few people that have my back no matter what- and are there to agree with something I say no matter how silly it seems. And I'm pretty sure that if it came to it- they will pin me down and shoot eyedrops into my eyes or convince a greek priest to marry me on a moment's notice. So, thanks guys! Love ya lots.

PS- you know you have true friends when they call you up and karaoke a song to you. You've welcome VMB! Hope we weren't too loud.

Where Did All the Men Go?

Is it mid-December and you're lamenting about past loves (regardless of how wrong they were)? Welcome to holiday crazy singleness (HCS). Even if you're mildly involved with someone, you cannot be in this group. You've come to the right place. We're the before in a really pathetic rom-com, starring a solid B-lister. Maybe the awkward best friend in an A-lister, where you end up with the guy's brother/friend in the last scene. Are you lamenting as you hear stories of you friend's preteen dating days, because you were clearly not as cool as them? Yup. There's no easy solution, but it's that time of year that always makes me wonder- where did all the men go? Are they all shopping for Christmas presents? Cutting logs for the fire? Decking the halls with boughs of holly. If they're out there, send up a flare? In the meantime, I'll be Judy Greer-ing it over here with my other single pals. Strength in numbers!